A snowy Friday morning on the way into work
0leander_tea
Its so peaceful before the sun rises in the winter. Particularly on a day like today when it is snowing. It feels like the entire valley is still asleep.

I was going to write more but traffic thinned out and now were almost there.
More soon!

Its Been A While
0leander_tea
I really just wanted to vent. Somewhere. To someone. I dont really have anyone I can talk to that really knows what Ive been going through. This is my seventh month of trying and failing to concieve. The repetition is so draining. The expectation, the excitement, then the let down. Month after month. It is emotionally exhausting. And I have begun to get more and more depressed with each month that passes with another period. So now I am sitting in the break room at work, on my lunch break, fighting back tears because some irrational part of my brain is convinced that I will never be able to have a child. There are friends who know my struggle but they are all friends who have kids or are pregnant. They dont have this problem so all they can say is "aww well theres always next month" or something equally uncomforting. Not that theres really anything they could say that would really, truly, make me feel better. All I know is everything else in life keeps going and I just have to keep picking myself up and pressing on every. Single. Month. I continue to learn that getting your hopes up is never a good thing, because nothing is guaranteed and life does not owe you anything.

I dont know I just needed to voice this frustration somewhere because in 15 minutes I have to go back out there, pretend everything is okay, smile through my cramps and act as if I am not horrendously disappointed and sad on the inside. I just wanted someone to hear the truth.

Hi again
0leander_tea
Its been a while. Like, years. Haha.

I am stuck at work and thinking about improving my life. I can't bounce ideas off my friend on our work messaging system because she's busy so I'm just going to write them in here.

My life, overall, is much better than when I last wrote. I kicked the ED entirely. Started taking better care of myself. Work out regurlarly, eat healthy. Lost 25 pouds on a low carb diet. Got engaged to Chris <3

I still drink too much. Its the one thing I havent succeeded in improving in my life. My aunt Vivian just passed away this weekend and I've already drank the past two out of three nights this week as a result. Tonight is her visitation and tomorrow is her funeral and even though I know I'll be sad I dont want to drink my saddness away.
I told my friend we should give up beer for lent and she said she'd do it with me :-)
I think I really am going to try. If I decide I really want to drink, I can drink something like smirnoff ice or skinny girl cocktails.

Perhaps I can replace drinking with exercise, haha.
After all I have 13 months to lose weight for my wedding. I'm back on my low carb diet and for the first time in months I actually feel like I'm losing weight. Even though its only been 3 days, haha. I'm around 160 pounds now, and I'll be happy if I get to 140 for my wedding. 135 Would be awesome.

Anyway things are getting busy at work so I'm gonna go. I'll update again soon.

Writer's Block: Killer Queen
0leander_tea
What's your favorite Queen song, and why?


Bohemian Rhapsody, because when I was a kid my dad called it the headbanging song (Wayne's World reference), and we'd all headbang to that one part haha.

Second would be Somebody to love <3

Kessa
0leander_tea
I think this is cute, so I wanted to share.

Found a kitty tonight. Came home from the grocery store and there she was, meowing at the windows of the bottom floor apartments. I immediately walked over to see her and she meowed like crazy at me and came right over. I immediately panicked because I soon saw that she is extremely underweight. Like, I can feel all her bones and her tummy is so thin you can almost feel all the way around her backbone with you grab her back. 

She had no collar, so I obviously took her inside, and set her in the bathroom with a bowl of cat food and water.
In the hours that have followed, I've discovered she's more starved for attention than food.
My boyfriend hates cats, and we already have one. I desperately want to keep her, but that would require a LOT of begging. So for now, he thinks I'm trying to find her a home.
I'm already in love with her.

Oh yeah, I nicknamed her Kessa after the girl in "The Best Little Girl in the World" because she's so, so painfully thin.

KessaCollapse )

BMI 21.5
0leander_tea
Yay, I'm losing weight! Yesterday morning I was down to 140.5, and today I broke below 140 to 139.5!
Not a great weight, just super glad to be losing weight.

My jaw is really swollen today... I'm going to take it easy on eating. I have to eat, in order for my medicine to work, but I'm planning on having little meals throughout the day. In about half an hour I'm going to have a yogurt so I can take my hydracodone.

Today I will just sit around and play the Sims and drink Sprite Zero.

Anyway I'll probably end up napping again today, I fell asleep last night at 4... ugh.

But I must say being able to drink all the coffee I want is heavenly =)

Ughh well I'm off to read proana and body perfect a while, then I'll get started on my day... I'm taking a break from pilates until I am healed a bit... maybe I'll start that up again on Monday.

I think I'll take a bath today... play lots of Sims until Chris gets home.
Alright more later.

(no subject)
0leander_tea
Ate.

1 cucumber + ranch dressing (45, 90)
3 scrambled egg whites + some butter (50, 50)

=235

By the way
0leander_tea
These are my stats today:

Age: 20
Height: 5'9 (I think)
CW: 138.8
BMI: 20.5

My goal while Chris is gone is to get my BMI below 20.
So I need to weigh 135.

Then 131 is my next closest goal. Maybe by my anniversary.

Okay, just one thing
0leander_tea
I am fat and wothless and I CANT LOSE WEIGHT.

I'm 139 WHAT THE FUCK.

No food will pass my lips today.
I need to stop relying on laxatives and just fast.

Sunday morning
0leander_tea
Okay well I binged, horribly, yesterday... on wendy's. Like, almost $10 worht of Wendy's, hahaha... I am such a fatass.

Needless to say, fasting today.

I have to work in like 20 minutes, I'm procrastinating from getting ready. Finishing my coffee.

At least I got through all of work yesterday without eating, so I had still fasted 19 hours. And I worked out yesterday morning again. My abs feel good and my arms feel sore =)

I'm about 150 today. Oh well.

Off tomorrow. Maybe I can finally fast 48 hours. Today and tomorrow.

I other news, less than 2 weeks until I move into my dorm. I am so SO excited. I'm gonna get there really early and pick my room. I cant wait!

And when I get paid Friday it's all going toward stuff for going back to school.

Anyway I really have to get ready. More... probably tomorrow.

Think thin!

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